“Even though I wanna exercise more, I’m not.” “Even though I wanna pray more, I’m not.” “Even though I wanna stop blowing up with people, I’m not.” “Even though I wanna drink less, I’m not.” If any part of this sounds familiar, you might be stuck.  Let’s look at what that means and how to get unstuck.

It’s not uncommon to want to improve some part of yourself. Gestalt therapists actually think people have an instinct for wholeness. But stuckness is different from this. Stuckness keeps you circling around an issue, even though you really believe you want that issue to change.  Matter of fact, it can sometimes feel like the more you want an issue to change, the more resistant that issue seems to be to changing. What!?

Here’s a definition of stuckness: the inability to tolerate your own will because it echoes the will of someone who over-controlled you in the past.  

Many children grown up with a primary figure in their lives that is dominating, hyper-critical, controlling, rigid or abusive. This figure may be a parent, sibling, close relative or neighbor. (By the way, none of this is about blame. I think we’re all doing the best we can.) Children who grow up under the influence of these overpowering adults often struggle to regulate their own eating, drinking, temperament, work habits, etc…

Why? Because when the power of their own will calls them to action, like to lose some weight or to meditate more or to drink less or to have fewer sex partners, it registers inside like someone else is trying to control them. So when the force of their own will asks something of them, they resist it. As a kid, they didn’t have the ability to resist the will of those who over-controlled them. But as an adult, no one is going to tell them what to do. Not even the self. Now they’re stuck.

Let’s be clear.  Will, like electricity, is neither good nor bad. It’s simply a powerful force. And it’s this force that calls up the resistance at times in us, even when the will is acting in our own best interest.

So then what? Make friends with your will. How do you know when you’re not on good terms with your own will? When you can’t seem to move yourself in the direction you really want. How do you make friends with your own will? You decide to stop believing that your will is an enemy and you decide to start believing that your will is really trying to help. You chose to believe that your will is not trying to control you or overpower you.  It’s trying to join forces with you.

It can go like this: “Man I want another piece of pie. OK, so I can if I want. But I’ve been wanting to lose some weight. Yes, not somebody else…me. I’ve been wanting to lose some weight. Nobody is trying to force me to drop the pounds and get healthier. I want this. So why am I going for another piece of pie? Oh, this is that will thing. I’m fighting myself as if the part of me that wants a healthier life is trying to dominate me. Hmmm. What do I want? I get to choose.”